Wednesday

Just haven't felt like coming back here: I am going back to previous blog. I started this one because I wanted to feel free to discuss whatever came up in my life but here it showed up and I have lost the energy to write-this must have been initiated in a very shut down time,

Still Friday 8/7/2009

It was Tuesday evening when Lisa was born and it was already 8/8/1963 in London/Greenwich.
This morning a quiet time after finally getting the nerve to turn off the TV. Why on earth would I choose to listen to Joe Scarborough and his evil screed? Turn on the radio which can get intense but I can change it more easily and some amount of interaction is required I am not quite so easily brainwashed.
At any rate yesterday I cleaned up the kitchen and the bathroom which created a sense of order in my early morning-so peaceful that Steve has fallen back to sleep. Earlier in the week I turned down the opportunity to purchase paper plates because they have become so terribly expensive. what I have discovered is that I find it easier to keep order here if I wash dishes. Somehow using paper plates causes a disconnect somewhere inside and I then find it difficult to keep the kitchen tidy. Somehow when I use my own dishes and pots and other utensils there is a connection that makes it easier for me to tidy up after cooking. Doing things the old-fashioned way creates connection within and this connection eases my way. Noticed that Ceres is now at 1+Libra trining my NNode and Sun in Gemini-a blessing of connection Cerres in the 6th and NNodeSun in the 2nd. Brings a light on my declaration that I am a Hearth Witch and this morning I suspect that I was once a Vestal Virgin-the connection of Vesta and the NNode/Sun of my chart makes me think that-definetly a private, subjective person, someone so alone that she focuses on what makes it easier to do dishes. Someone haunted by errors of her youth.

Friday 8/7/09

in the evening 8:12 8/7/1963 Lisa Marie Whisenant was born. Hard birth I was 16 she was breech. She was beautiful and so was I. The tragic story I have written about and I guess I will again but todday the sorrow is acute-Lisaa dieddd last yeeaaar 8/11/2008 alone full of pain medicatiions and grief her own child had died the year before.
I feel as though I am wounded by acid thrown and splashing alll over my face. I want to blame myself for being the abandoning mother which is what I was. I ran didn't know how to reclaim all that was lost. The families disbanded-my folks to the mountains and then Denver and the Shisenants to Las Vegas.
I was so ashamed of my mother-loud and crude although she was not. She was simply a strong Aries who had been through hell and was still on her feet. In those years she simply didn't have the energy nor the finances to pamper her fragile and rebellious daughter. My parents paid a high price to get back out of Moscow- we all did. I am grateful to them for leading the way-if we had stayed I would never have learned anything.
Lisa a beautiful and gentle child who just wanted to be loved and I was distracted by not knowing what to do, by the crippling isolation-no one loved the bad girl that I was- acting out stirring up something to keep myself from being alone . Slow moving tragedy never to be undone eending in Lisa's eaarly death. Shawn her brother doing much better but deeply wounded. I call him but am old enough not to push. He spends time with his father for which I am grateful.
OOOH!! Hades Moon-Moon 10+Leo/Pluto 11+Leo squaring Mars and Venus in Taurus and Chiron in Scorpio. The pain of this T-square the basis of everything I mmmmanaged so thaaat I wasn't a total train wreck.
courtney sent me a postcard htaat just sums upp my conflicted mars rising-a little girl sstanding on the FRONT of her fathers skunk train-so full of excitement ready to go for anything but of course totally at risk. Courtney saaid that the photo reminded her of me. HMMM! I saw the wise one shinging through her little girl disquise in that gift. Courtney not just another poor girl but rather someone bright and perceptive.
The days are growing shorter already-past Lamas heading now into harvest. Just walked out to get the paper and once again the beautiful eclipse full moon is shining in the SW aand theere is a huge blossom on the zuchinni plant and even the sage looks full and strong-I planted saaaage next to the zuchinni and the saage is not happy has very weak flavor. the basil and green beans and tomato plants all seem so strong aand full of life. Morning I love morning. There is always a song in me that saayss thank you thank you thank you.
The pupose of the outrageous racism coming from FOX,etc is showing itseelf in the screaming hoardes marching on the Democrats and preventing them from meeting and talking. this is the perfect preview of what the corporations are planning for us- constant programming via FOX, Limbaugh,Hannity, Dobbs,etc. has good people confused. I remember Farncisco telling me that our clerk was forever telling him to listen to FOX if wanted to really know what is going on. this is happening all over the country-the owner of FOX lost 1/2 billion starting the network but now of course it was worth it.
Listening to Lannie Davis argue about Hondurous-what a pig-thought that he was a good guy-he is working for the Honduran Chamber of Commerce (called something else) which means read Lannie has joined the fascists.
At any raate I do see the all out war coming in for 2012-the corporate maasters aaare going to do everything they ccan to gain complete control. I know that in the end they will fail but I also believe blood will be shed before we get there. Pluto in Capricorn will finish up the work of Uranus and Neptune and will usher in a new world in which the US will NOT be the biggest bully on the block-I don't hate my folk but I do hate the actions of the chemical corps,etc. Mansanto's greed has resulted in the destruction of butterfly life and bee life on which our lives depend. I can go on and I will say that I am sure that their are things going on that I never dreamed of yet.

Saturday

In a coouple of weeks I will have a new keyboard and can give up this key sticking thing. I try to edit as I go along but I always miss things and this program doesn't allow me to goo in later and edit.
We had our first zuchinni with past last night the secret is to allow them to grow aand not overr water. I am so excited and I am thinking of haaving the groooup here in Richmond come and build us a french garden plot so thaat we can raise stuff all year long. I am definately going to make the "salad box" which is raised shallow beds for raising lettuces aaand greens. And the big thing-raising potatoes in a couple of large bags of potting soil. I really want to eat my own food and so does meighbor Rosita-we will mke this a beatiful spot.

Early

Cooked tapioca the correct way and later when we have nectarines and peaches and cherries I will make fruit tapioca. the milk one I just made will comfort my sister.
Just saw a 60 Minutes video on FDL regarding the doctor who heads up the remote medical caare program for folks who can't get medical care any other way. the man is Stan Brock sounds as if he comes from Australia or New Zealand. Broke m heaaart to see folks suffering like that because they have no insurance and often no physicians-young doctors don't want to live in small town America ( I know that I don't want to). I bet everyone of those people want a public potion or single payer. Who are those against public option/single payer? Bet you they are the ones who haven't yet ended up uncovered and ineligible for Medicaid/Medicare and they have never gotten stuck with thousnds of dollars of medical bills that their insureer says aren't covered. I remember one morning on Morin' Joe Reagan speech writer whose name escapes me said well when I was young we just didn't go to the doctor as if this would help if people just didn't go to the doctor.
I hear that Schwarzenneger has a 14% support reading. what a pig he is and the folk who back him. I am praying for a progressive backlash to get them out and make some changes such as modifiying Prop 13, reassessing corporations and taxing them appropriately. I want us to have free education again to actively encourage continuing education and to support people in rising through the classes. Advanced degrees are as valuable as real estate and this needs to be recognized and encouraged. I want to see parenthood supported and encouraged. the role of mother should be understood as a career and should be valued.
Well news alert-domestic issues intruded and I was watering the basil and beans with a little Schultz water and looked over the zuchinni and wonders of wonders there is one reeeady for haarvest a couple coming behind and several little ones. We shall haave fresh vegatables for supper vegatables we raised ourselves!!!!!

Thurssdday 7/30/09

So yesterday was so rough-no money yet and $20 from J so B could get cigarettes and then I aate at the Dr appt since I was there so long because I had to get the knee x rayed. I beleive thaat money will be in the account today.
The news for my beloved California is so grim. I don't know why "the people allow Schwarzenegger to get what he wants over and over. this can't be what the public wants. the public needs help with elder care, with childcare, with education for children, with mediccal expences,with housing. The governor is so proud to cut educaation and open a NEW DEATH CHAMBER!! Is this some type of bizarre chamber of horrors?I try to remind myself not to hate him because he thrives on my hatred. The dark and destructive energies that fuel his intellect feed on the anquish and hatred his actions elicit so the best defence against him and his fellows is to stay positive and to pray.
Irritated with my sister. I awakened froma dream wherein whe was faking disability in order to get attention because she felt ignored and now when she just got up I sstill feel that frustration and impatients with her. Not quite fair but there it is. Need to review what is irratating me so much-I guess it is worry about her. she doesn't want to go with me when I go out but then she feels sorry for herself.

Monday 7/27/009

Woke up this morning remembering that I have a plan to write from where I live with stories of family, of food cooked and served, of daily thoughts on the condition position of our society, of the mixture of the personal and subjective with the social, listening to morning Joe-disgusting Maria Bartaloma (spg?) representing the innsurance industry, even more disgusting Mikka Brezenski representing the Republicans-.
Hearing this morning that fat folk such as myself are more expensive than smokers although in my experience it is not the fat folk who are dying young (in their 60's) but rather slender folk killed by cancer and heart disease, also slender people needing ssserious heeaart repair. I believe that my diabetese was brought on by the greed that has led to overwieight and the diabetes has led to heart and blood pressure trouble that requires daily medication but I am not so sure that overwieght is the destroyer that the insurance companies say that it is. I do know that the food pusshed on the public is deadly aand the destruction shows up first as obesity aand I know that in the insurance industry attack on fat there is absolutely no mention of this-now that the proof is in the pudding (as it were)aabd the word is out about "high fructose corn sweetener" a chemiccl pushed for years until it now shows up as obesity in childdren ( because parents,mothers, have resorted to fast box recipes to feed their hungry children after working all day-I know that I used to buy Amy bags of chips I think now because I was tired and feeling guilty but at leaast we had good food at home. I remember feeling guilty when we would go to McDaonld's or KFC with the gift certificates my family would send her. I know my graandchildren aare obese due to the inferior food their mother could afford on welfare.
So this is one very important subject I want to cover.
I want to return to a way of eating that the diabetes demands and which will free up my creative energy-the entire family will do well on the food plan I need to follow-and fruit for dessert and NO SODAS, emphasis on the vegatables and salads and on the gardening. Lots of chicken and fish as a treat. Would do more fish but out fish are going extinct due to over harvesting. eat light with pasta only every other week-lots of baked thighs and breasts-terriyaki over barbecue wine and mushrooms and lemon and broth over heavy sauces..
Steve and I walk this is good. I walk even with my screaming feet/legs/knees and I believe that Steve has similar compllaints. There is pain but we will continue until we can get to the Y to swim and practice some workouts that won't hurt so much.
On the TV talk about the "octomomn" a young woman who has 14 children concieved through fertility enhancements. The public hates her becuase she has no father for her children and they think that she is doing it just for money. this is weird that the "people" hate her so much but don't know if they should oppose torture or the insurance companies.
Now the original "mother of multiples" is now a single mother while her husband and "father of multilpes" runs around scrresining youn women and spnding money on balck diamond skull rings and moves to New York City. Wow what a circus how disgusting. I used to love the movies of this family. I really believed in the fairytale and then over the months I could see that obviously the couple no longer loved each other. Kate is a shrew with some very icky fears of sex and love-no Earth girl there and Jon is passive and now hates her for her meaness and for humiliating him on camera. Jon has left the family as if money is all a family needs.
What is on my mind is that this is what happens when the maternal archtype is exploited as if She is nothing just something to be found and exploited like a rock polished up to reveal the diamond. I understand why the "Church" opposes contraception,abortion and fertility treatments. Of course I find it easy to "understand" now when I am safely post-menopausal but yes I do because of the vicious attack on The Mother, The Feminine from modern science. Seems to me that the vicious intelligence used to split the atom in now applied to conception and birth and I find it horrifying and I did when I heard what Pat was going through when she and Beth wanted to have a child and theirs was a mild fertility regemine payed for by kaiser I think. this assumption that nature makes mistakes and that we can correct these mistakes is dangerous and I opt out for the quieter, more receptive mode...